Self Love after abuse
How Rituals Helped Me Learn to Love Myself
As a survivor of sexual abuse, my most important tool has been Self Care. I talk about it all the time and sometimes it seems that others do as well, and I worry about this being an over-saturated topic. I feel so strongly about learning to love yourself because without the introspection and fortifying of my inner self, I would be a wreck today.
The abuse started when I was around 10 or 11, or I think it did. It was a while before I realized that what was happening was wrong, and that has affected my recollection of time. It was a power thing, I think. The ability to assert dominance over someone so small and helpless. He would laugh as I struggled to get away from his grip, or try my hardest to keep a blanket wrapped around me so he couldn’t get under my clothes. There was constant manipulation, threats of upsetting my mother, and a lot of belittling.
Since this happened in my most formative years, I grew up without a shred of confidence in myself. I developed bulimia by my freshman year of High School, and thought of myself as less than anyone around me. My outer appearance reflected how I felt internally and I wore large baggy clothes to try to hide my body. He made me feel used, and like I had no strength or value. I wore my hair up and did my best to avoid anything that could be misconstrued as trying to look nice, because I was afraid someone would tell me I had no right to do so.
It took a long time to turn all that around, and it’s definitely still a work in progress. I spent a lot of years learning how to appreciate other aspects of myself before I could tackle accepting my appearance, and I still catch my negative inner monologue harshly judging me in pictures. It has been an incredibly long and twisting road that sometimes seems to have roundabouts that keep me going in circles. I want to share how I’ve gotten to where I am because I think it’s incredibly important to reach out to others who may be having the same problems, and offer one point-of-view that hopefully helps someone.
What didn’t work:
Before we jump in, I want to mention what didn’t work for me. My first state was passive, I relied on God to help me. I tried controlling my environment by controlling my eating, which led to bulimia. I thought that if I was skinnier, then I would have a better chance at being allowed to feel beautiful. That one definitely didn’t work and I’m still dealing with it today. I tried numbing myself like I saw on TV and started sneaking into the cabinets to steal alcohol at 13, luckily that didn’t turn into a lifelong issue as well. When I decided to take my life into my own hands and not sit around waiting, I tried therapy. This wasn’t a sexual trauma therapist, she just had me talk about my feelings, and acted as a barrier between myself and any adult that I needed to express strong opinions to. She offered me a safe space to feel heard and seen, which helped but only in the moment.
What did work:
As I got older, I realized that all of these attempts relied on external things. I can’t say why I was so afraid of the threats that he lobbed at me. I do know that I was a terrified child and I’ve had to accept that that is a sufficient reason. At 16, I finally told my Aunts what was happening. I had decided that nothing in his threats was worse than what I was dealing with and after all of these attempts to cope or pray him away, I needed more drastic action. They told my dad who immediately came to protect me and to this day I don’t know why I was so scared to tell him. Removed from his environment, I was able to begin healing. The first time that I had acted and taken control of the situation was the first time that I got any results. That realization was key to the rest of my journey into the light. I am in charge of my own life, and acting on that authority is the only way to get what I want and need.
I started learning about inner reflection at 17. I had become a vegetarian at 14 and had started practicing yoga soon after, but I hadn’t gotten to the mentality of Ayurveda until later. Being raised a Catholic, I was taught that your life is in God’s hands. That everything happens according to God's will. I have no interest in discussing religion here, and I do not follow any one religion, but I do find it important to say that it was when I began learning about eastern religions that my true awakening came. Taoism in particular showed me that the power to change your life is yours alone. I was introduced then to the concepts of relying on yourself, of making and utilizing your own inherent power, and of manifesting your destiny the way you want.
All of this to say that I truly believe that the only way to heal from pain that others have inflicted is to look inside and adjust how you handle it. I could have chosen to stay angry, and wallowed in my perceived unworthiness. I could have spent these past years blaming and becoming bitter, and I’ve seen others do that. Instead I chose to accept that this happened, I can not change it, and I will no longer allow it to control my life or my value. I chose to be happy that I got away. I chose to take control of my life and work towards becoming a well rounded and very happy person.
No it was not that easy. It was one day at a time for years. It was constant re framing, learning to accept things out of my control, and learning to not overly rely on others for validation. Now, over ten years after leaving that mess, I even have moments where I forget it ever happened.
So what did I do that helped? How did I turn self care into the building blocks that re-built everything I thought I knew about myself?
Listen, feel, and give space-
I spent a lot of time looking at what happened and letting myself feel those emotions, I listened to my own pain. I talked to the mirror and re-told my story over and over. I heard myself say how I felt. I listened to what I needed to feel whole again. I cried so much. I felt sick over what had been done to me, I grieved for the early end to my childhood and the experiences that forced me to grow up so fast. I gave myself permission to be angry when I had flashbacks, and I held space for that anger. I listened to every single emotion that popped up and I gave myself space to feel and experience each one.
Gratitude-
Trying to force happiness is not the key, it needs to be cultivated. I focused on everything in my life that I was grateful for. My friends, the family that supported me through it, just the pure fact that I was able to leave the situation. Little everyday moments, when I found myself smiling despite the creeping depression, I had to stop and just be thankful for that small moment in time when pain was not consuming my mind. It became easier as I got older and was able to have some freedom. That allowed me to go places that made me happy, and be alone. I had to find joy in being alive.
Acceptance-
I had to accept that I can not change the past, and sometimes I can not change the way that I feel about past events. I accepted my feelings as they are, even if it isn’t where I wanted them to be. I learned that sometimes feelings are just irrational and fighting them is less than helpful. I accepted who I am, the way I look, and the size I am, and (slowly) stopped beating myself up for not being able to change these things. I had to learn that where I am today is just where I am and there is no point in getting upset that I’m not further or “better”. I had to accept that my happiness was dependent only on me, I could not seek it solely in others. The hardest thing to accept was the amount of time it took for me to speak up. Regret can be powerful, but I had to accept that I did what I could when I could.
Rituals-
Self care rituals have been the backbone of my entire journey. These are the daily routines and words that I speak that fortify my resolve to keep cultivating happiness. These rituals are so incredibly important to me. They vary in complexity, length, components, and words spoken, based on what it is I need in that moment. They include things that make me feel good physically, like a nice meal or a bubble bath, mentally, like mantras or meditations, and emotionally, like holding space when I have a flashback or letting go of grief. I have holidays, bedtime routines, and ones for friends. Each one reminds me that I am alive, empowered, and growing. They provide structure, comfort, coherence, predictability, and a safe space for me to be in.
Really, the rituals are what make the rest of the work easier. They create a space for me to seek peace, deal with tough things, and relax. I love creating new rituals and I love to do little ceremonies that infuse meaning and intention into what I’m working on. Each of the
Words and Re-framing thought-
For years, whenever I had a negative thought about myself I had to stop what I was doing, and decide how true that thought was. Usually it goes like this,
Thought: I’m too stupid to do that.
Is that true? No, I'm actually very intelligent and that kinda hurt.
It takes just a moment, but it’s changed the way I talk about myself, though there is still room for improvement.
Comfort Meals- I thought for the longest time that I wasn’t worthy of anything, not even my own time. Learning to spend more than just the minimum required amount of time on my own health and well being was hard. Now when those feelings of unworthiness creep in, I cook myself a really nice meal. It’s usually something with ingredients that I don’t buy normally, takes a lot longer than I usually spend on cooking, and is not just healthy but incredibly tasty too. After I eat, there's a guaranteed “damn I’m good” that always boosts my mood.
Hair Care- Because of how low my self esteem was, it was incredibly difficult for me to accept my appearance. I spent years unable to look in the mirror. I changed this by starting with what I thought was my best feature: My hair. It started as scalp scrubs and just taking the extra time to fully brush out my hair. Now I brush, scrub once a month, do masks, and really love taking the time to take care of my hair. It makes me feel pretty and secure in my appearance.
Holidays! - When I left the religion I was raised in, I lost a lot of connection to holidays. My parents always did something big for our birthdays but being so uncomfortable in my skin, I hated the attention. Instead I’ve come to enjoy celebrating my own holidays in my own ways. I choose the food, I get to choose what is celebrated, I match the colors and any other symbolism, and I get a completely unique holiday.
These are just a few examples. Coming up with rituals for myself and others that create supportive spaces, healthy habits, and conscientious thoughts is one of my favorite things to do.
My journey to being a better and healthier me is far from over. I’m sure that it never will be, as there is always more to learn and try. I consider myself a happy person now, and I have had those who hear my story ask how I’m so happy all the time and how I’ve made it through. I thought I’d share a tiny bit about my own experience, in the hopes that it gives clarity to at least one person out there struggling. No one’s story is the same and nearly everyone experiences some form of trauma, so it’s impossible to say that one key thing will change your life and your mental state. I do believe that I have listed here the practices I implemented that had the most dramatic effect on my journey, and I can only hope that they help you.
If you are at all interested in the rituals and routines side of Self-care, I am designing a one month workshop to help you build your own, with my direct help. It’s a program open to ten people at a time, meeting once a week. I’ll walk you through the key elements of designing your own ritual for a variety of purposes, creating your own holiday from scratch, and making it stick after the program is over. Check here for more info on the current round.
